5 Misconceptions: I’m a SAHM but don’t get it twisted...
I jokingly manifested being a stay at home mom so many years ago. Little IG memes speaking of spa days and yoga classes having no idea it’s not really like that, not with little babies anyway. However the idea of taking care of my kids myself was always an absolute no brainer.
So when the discussion with my husband arose while I was pregnant with baby number two, you’d think I’d be happily willing to accept. Wasn’t quite like that, I was like “No way I’m staying home”, “I’m taking my black ass to work” “What the hell am I going to do with two kids all day?” - All exact quotes straight from my potty mouth. (I’m working on my profanity usage, I promise)
Prior to me actually having kids I would think of a “stay at home mom” as a fabulous mama with perfect hair and perfect nails who frequented the gym, went to expensive coffee shops every morning, met her girlfriends for brunch and shopped until it was time to pick up the kids from school all while having dinner waiting for her man on the table. So yeah, that ain’t it. (Well not all the time anyways)
Now actually having kids, I discovered what I envisioned was all a dream. It’s more of messy buns, hot coffee getting cold, and coming to the realization that brunch would just be me and the kids because I’m the Tommy of the group and all of my friends are at WORK. Not to mention, I’m currently in Boston so all of my friends are not only at work but also in another state.
Okay so long story short, we eventually agreed that I’d stay home. My last day of work was June 14, 2019 and I was scared shitless. I’ve never not worked, never. As much shit that I talked about my coworkers, my commute and the whole New York experience, leaving all that behind to stay home with two kids seemed like a one way entry to the psych ward. I feared isolation and going nuts and a year later, yes I go nuts pretty frequently but pull it back together and the isolation part, I’m working on it.
But there are some misconceptions about stay at home moms that I’d like to clear up.
We don’t have money; So yes the decision to stay home is geared around finances. Do you know how much it costs for a married couple to pay for multiple kids to go to daycare full time? It’s a lot. For some families, sending multiple children to daycare is practically one of their entire paycheck. For others, it’s a combination of factors including time spent commuting and having one parent home simply just makes the most sense. So because I am apart of the SAHM club these days, I’m speaking for a lot of us, we aren’t poor. We budget as any adult should. Please don’t insult us and ask us if we can or cannot afford things, thanks.
We don’t desire careers; Firstly, tons of SAHMs run businesses from home! Most stay at home moms desire to go back to work at some point but are just planning to spend a certain amount of time home with the kids. I’ve been on both sides. I’ve worked a full time job for three years being a mom. It’s hard. I’ve been home full time for a year, that shit is hard too. Do I applaud moms who juggle motherhood and full time careers/ businesses? Hell yes. Do I applaud moms who tackle motherhood 24/7? Hell yes. Neither is easy. However the amount of times I’ve been asked by strangers when I’m going back to work? Or “so you just stay home all day?” is mind boggling. There’s so much judgment on this topic. So to be clear, most stay at home moms including myself are staying home temporarily, primarily until the day care phase is over for all the kids or at least one of the kids. Speaking for self, it’s a phase of my life that I’m honored to be able to do. Yes I have aspirations and no, a stay at home mom is not my final destination. Oh and just to be clear, just because it isn’t “posted” doesn’t mean moms aren’t working on their goals behind the scenes.
Our homes should be clean 24/7; I think that working moms across the world would probably never assume this ever again. Due to the pandemic and moms being forced to work from home and juggle multiple titles, everyone now sees how some days are chaotic. I love a clean house but some days my kids are double teaming me and cleaning isn’t high on my priority list. Cleaning with kids is like trying to sweep sand from the ocean. No lie, today my son watched me clean my dining table and sweep the floor then proceeded to grab peanut butter crackers, the crumbiest snack ever. Sadly I couldn’t keep the table clean for a measly ten minutes before a lil hater decided to mess up again.. Imagine that all day with multiple children Sometimes shits just gonna be a mess. You are gonna step on a lego and spill some shit, it just comes with the job.
We are always available; Why do people think this? If I don’t answer the phone, people have the AUDACITY to wonder why. Diapers, bath time, feedings, washing clothes, nap time , story time, you know the list can go on, I didn’t even get to doing things for self. It’s not all just the hard stuff either, we are actually creating memories, trying to stay present, playing, and having photo shoots of course. I get it, we aren’t technically clocked in anywhere so the assumption makes sense. Sometimes being “available” is simply a distraction and we purposely make ourselves unavailable just long enough to get some stuff done. There are very few moments I’m not doing anything. And honestly speaking, most times I like to keep those “free” moments to doing things for myself.
Staying at home is no fun; And the lie detector determined that was a lie! While there is a lot of responsibility that comes with this job, it’s also a lot of fun. Although some days are WILD, others are pure entertainment. Being home to watch my daughters first steps, watch her interesting dance moves every time the beat drop, hear her first words, watch her eat real food and discover how she hates blueberries as well as teach my son practically everything, watch him impersonate his dad, rap about cars, and all of those things cool moms gush about is priceless. Also the freedom of making appointments, taking random day trips and vacations (pre pandemic) and not having to put in PTO for it is a pretty cool flex. Staying up throughout the night to binge watch TV I don’t get a chance to watch during the day only to pay for it in the morning is a pretty exciting risqué thing I like to do too, takes me back to college days. Don’t think we are always in the house itching to escape our kids, okay some days we are haha but most days we actually enjoy running around after little people, for me, it keeps me fit!
Mommy Takeaway: Just do whatever is best for you, whether you run a business or simply run your household. You can go back and forth however you please. Your success is about how it feels to you, not how it looks to others.
XOXO - hislovelywife