I always struggle with wanting to be transparent and not wanting people in my business, which is hard to juggle. Providing just enough information for someone to relate but not enough information for them to think they know my life. There is truly a fine line. So this time around I had major anxiety in whether or not we wanted to announce we were having a second kid or if I wanted to completely disappear from the social world and pop up with a baby in July like HEY What’s Up Hello! My husband isn’t too fond of disappearing acts, he’s social and likes to discuss things that are happening especially something as special as a baby. So we agreed to tell the world. Why keep a huge blessing that we were preparing for a secret, it wouldn’t be fair to this new kid, especially since I flaunted my pregnancy with my first kid Cameron all over the gram.

I do have my reasons. Before I proceed, this is not for sympathy. It’s simply to help anyone who is going through something similar. Preparing to have a baby isn’t always sunshine and butterflies for everyone, it’s a process for some. In my case, getting pregnant is the easy part, staying pregnant is DIFFICULT AF. When we decided we wanted to start a family almost 4 years ago, I downloaded the app “Flo” which tracked ovulation and boom, two months later, we were pregnant. A month after finding out, the pregnancy ended which happened to be our anniversary weekend. For all of my Philly folks, it was the weekend Kevin Hart came and did the free comedy show at Citizens Bank Park. We had tickets, and although we were going through some shit, we went because the alternative was me sitting in the house sulking. Don’t worry the sulking came later that week. It was def an outer body experience. I knew what was happening but I couldn’t or wouldn’t accept it, not sure which one.

The excitement changed to sadness so quickly. I think I handled it well, talked to God a lot, cried a lot, and just tried again. Days before Thanksgiving 2015, I was pregnant again. The entire pregnancy I was a mix between hype as hell and having anxiety to the point where I couldn’t sleep at night due to being so nervous about whether or not this one would stick. By God’s grace, Main man Cam came into our lives and changed it for the better forever. So back to staying pregnant being difficult, two years later, we try again. To our surprise, they were identical twins due on my birthday!!!! We started telling people super early, we were excited, picked out names and all. I’m not going to lie I was confident that this pregnancy would be successful. Silly of me to think something bad couldn’t happen to me twice, ha! Mother’s Day 2018, a weekend where I should have been celebrating all things motherhood, I spent the entire weekend in the ER, definitely a mother’s day I’ll never forget and just like that, we lost the twins.

DEPRESSED, EXTREMELY! I had to take a step back. Everything changed, I was brave, strong and broken all at once. Also very miserable and unpleasant around my husband and son, I lost 10 pounds. I felt like less of a woman like there was something wrong with me. I felt like a bad mom because I had this thought in my head that I couldn’t even give my son a sibling. I blamed myself for it all. Not to mention it felt like everybody was announcing their pregnancies and the whole world was telling me Cam needs a sibling. In my head, I was screaming, “I’m trying, leave me TF alone!” The devil was in my head nonstop. I had to snap tf out of it. My priorities as a woman is to be the best mom and wife, there was no way I could continue to bring any negative energy into my household. My son felt my energy was off, he would walk over to give me a hug and a kiss because he knew mommy was sad. It was a very difficult few months. Yall may or may not have noticed my random cryptic posts. I leaned on God, my husband, my family and friends. It takes a village sometimes to bring you out of the funk. I wrote A LOT every day, that was my therapy. It was definitely a reminder that no matter how much you plan, God is always in control. I usually comfort myself by reiterating “Everything happens for a reason” when things don’t go my way. That usually works, I guess.

So can you understand my reasons for wanting to introduce this pregnancy to the world when the baby was born?? In all seriousness, I’m a child of God and my faith is STRONG and I believe that what is meant to be will be, but there was still a little hesitation. However, we are expecting our 2nd RAINBOW baby on Cam’s birthday July 11, 2019 and we are so happy about it. The Beckles house is going to get interesting especially since we will be adding a LITTLE LADY to the crew! I hope my story can help someone who is struggling in silence. There is always light at the end of the tunnel. You are not alone, there are more than 3 million miscarriage cases per year in the US alone. Let’s not be ashamed of discussing this topic!

Peace, Love and Many Blessings

~hislovelywife

Why I didn't want to announce Baby #2